


Karkat's Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Week

by vikki



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Abandonment, Child Neglect, Friendship, Gen, Humanstuck, Karkat Vantas' terrible life, awkward early teenage life, secretly a series of unfortunate events-stuck, take a shot for every unnamed character you find
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-05-25
Updated: 2012-05-29
Packaged: 2017-11-06 00:06:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/412549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vikki/pseuds/vikki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>IN WHICH Karkat Vantas must pretend to be an adult in a phone call parent-teacher conference, get the laundry done, avoid flunking Algebra, ditch himself and his lithping nerd friend from middle school romance hell, find a way to make enough money in one week to feed himself and his siblings on more than ramen cups, and save Christmas.</p><p>His friends are no help whatsoever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. on the first day of christmas some asshole bought me two loaves of bread

**Author's Note:**

> This is a piece of self-indulgent writing I'm working on intermittently, in which Karkat is a self-loathing put-upon teenager with *responsibilities*. Essentially I asked myself 'What's the worst possible combination of siblings I could give Karkat to have to take care of?' Then this was born.
> 
> I hope you enjoy it! :)

Karkat didn’t remember much of his stepmom’s funeral. Nepeta slid out of her seat and clung to his leg, so he grasped her under her armpits and pulled her up to sit in his lap. Equius stared straight ahead with his hands on his knees and his back stiff; Eridan had fallen asleep on Dad’s elbow, his hair mussed and lashes clumped together from crying.

Dad’s eyes were red-rimmed, but he didn’t cry practically at all, at least not where Karkat could see. Karkat cried a little, but he’d done most of his crying already. He felt kind of guilty for being so sad when she wasn’t even his real mom. His suit collar was stiff and the stupid clip-on tie’s clip was loose and kept poking him in the neck, but when he tried to take it off his dad grabbed his hand to stop him.

He remembers riding to the graveyard because it was the only time he rode in the back of a car next to his dad. “Dad,” he had asked, “Are you gonna be okay?”

Dad smiled and leaned over and hugged him tightly with one arm, which was shaking; Karkat remembers that clearly because it scared him, his dad actually shaking. He said in a watery, crying voice into Karkat’s hair, “Of course, son.” He sniffled. “You’re gonna have to help me out, okay, Karkat? You have to man up now. You’re gonna help our family get through this.”

Karkat hugged his dad back, his hands shaking a little from being scared, but his heart swelled a little with pride at being asked to help. “Yeah, okay,” he said. “No problem.”

“Good boy,” His dad mumbled, pulling back and smiling a watery grin. There were tears on his cheeks.

Karkat smiled back, then scooted over and leaned on his father’s shoulder, feeling warm and safe.

*

Karkat held up the last clean sweatshirt hoodie in his closet and scowled at it.

The cracked, light purple print design seemed to scowl back. It looked like an angry smiling face on a royal purple background and it was two sizes too large for him – a hand-me-down from his older brother.

Karkat hated it.

He was eying his dirty laundry pile and trying to decide if he could pull off wearing his favorite black hoodie one more day with a healthy dose of Febreeze when Eridan slammed the bedroom door open. “Karkat! Equius got his gross sweaty hands all over my scarf and now I can’t wear it!”

Karkat yelped, whirling, and Eridan had the decency to look sheepish, half-hidden behind the door as Karkat glared at him and struggled to throw the ugly-ass hoodie over his head. “You’ve only got one scarf,” Karkat said, muffled. “You’re gonna have to get over it.”

“But it’s gross, look!” Karkat got the hoodie over his head just as Eridan thrust the purple and blue striped scarf out, holding it up by one end; the other trailed along the rug, snaking out the door.

Karkat snatched the end from Eridan’s upturned hands and gathered it off the floor; it was vaguely damp in the middle, but otherwise fine. “Whatever. It’ll be dry before you leave for school.” Karkat whipped it over Eridan’s neck and scooted past him.

“Ew, ew!” Eridan pulled the scarf off his head and followed Karkat out the door. “But I can’t wear it!”

“Ugh, fine! You can wear my scarf today,” Karkat snapped, stomping down the stairs. “We’ll trade.”

“Your scarf is ugly,” Eridan grumbled.

“Either you get an ugly scarf or a sweaty scarf,” Karkat warned, not even looking back. “You pick.”

“Fuck,” Eridan said, in a kind of daring way like he was trying to find out if he could get a rise out of Karkat. Karkat turned to look at him.

Eridan was precociously tall for a second grader, but he still only came up to Karkat’s armpit. His hair was just starting to grow out from the buzz cut that had made him cry, but he’d taken into his head to superglue construction paper into his hair to give himself a purple streak and it was either that or endure a bald spot from Karkat cutting the shit out. Karkat arched an eyebrow at him now, and Eridan lifted his chin.

“Look at you, learning a new swear word,” Karkat started. “Well done. Great job. As long as you’re being a retard, how about you use that word around your teachers? How about you say that to Dad when he gets home? Yeah, I dare you, show Dad your new word.”

Eridan lowered his chin a little. “He swears all the time. You do too,” he accused, not as boldly.

“Yeah, it’s called the ‘grow up and you get to say whatever you want’ club. Now pick a scarf and pick your breakfast.”

Eridan gave a put-upon sigh. “I’ll take yours, I guess.”

“Fine.” Karkat held out his hand and Eridan deposited the scarf in it. Karkat gave it a disdainful look. Between the purple hoodie and this hilariously gay scarf he was gonna look like a pansy at school today. “Whaddaya wanna eat?”

“Lucky Charms!” Eridan was quick to announce.

Lucky Charms were a rare commodity in the Vantas household, but Karkat had bought two boxes yesterday at CVS since they were having a buy one get one free sale. They were going quick.

In the kitchen Equius was just sitting down from helping Nepeta pour milk into her bowl; the Lucky Charms sat in the middle of the kitchen table, a proud centerpiece. Karkat left the unwanted scarf on the counter.

It was a little hard to believe that Eridan and Nepeta were twins. They were fraternal, obviously, but Nepeta was half a head shorter than Eridan. Eridan looked more like Dad, with olive-dark skin and thick black hair, but Nepeta was almost the spitting image of their mom: dark skin and hair pulled into cornrows. She grinned and sat up. “Hi, Karkat! I thought you weren’t ever gonna get up!”

Nepeta had woken both Karkat and Equius that morning by bouncing into their shared room, bounding off of Equius’ trundle bed, and landing square on Karkat’s chest. His breastbone still hurt just thinking about it. “Yeah, cool,” Karkat grumbled, grabbing a plastic bowl for Eridan while the kid pulled out a seat and sat on his knees, leaning over the table for the Lucky Charms box. “Look, new ground rule: knock before you come in—“

“I did!” Nepeta protested.

“—And if neither of us answer,” Karkat said over her, plunking the bowl down in front of Eridan, “Then don’t come in. Got it?”

“But – what if you died in there!?”

Karkat rolled his eyes. Nepeta always said things like that. Before he could answer, Equius reached over and covered her hand. “Don’t worry about that kind of thing. It’s morbid.”

Equius was almost as much of a pain in Karkat’s ass as Eridan, who was currently trying to see how many Lucky Charms he could get into the bowl in a heaping pile without spilling. (Karkat picked the bowl up again, ignoring Eridan’s protests, and poured half his collection back in the box.) He was kind of pudgy, but he could do ten pull-ups in P.E., as he had proudly announced, and he already had his whole life of building robots planned out. At least he looked out for Nepeta and kind of kept an eye on Eridan, too, which was good because they all went to the same elementary school and Karkat had to get on a bus to go to middle school now.

Nepeta didn’t look too convinced by Equius’ argument. She cast pleading eyes at Karkat. “Can I go to school with you today?”

“Sure. I’ll just hide you in my locker. I think I’ve got day-old pizza in there.” Karkat rolled his eyes.

Nepeta was immune to sarcasm. “Really?”

“No.” Karkat poked his head in the fridge and pulled out all that remained of the loaf of bread: two slices, the butts. “Hey, who ate all the bread?”

“Don’t talk to Nepeta that way,” Equius said. Nepeta was pouting. Eridan had slopped some milk on the table and Equius was multi-tasking admirably, dressing Karkat down for being mean while giving Eridan a hard stare. If Karkat hadn’t told Equius that drinking a whole gallon of milk in one day would kill him, he would probably drink that and more.

“Sorry, Karkat,” Nepeta said, sheepish. “We used it up making sandwiches for lunch!”

“Oh, yeah. Duh.” Karkat sighed, fishing the bread out of the plastic bag and shoving them in the toaster. “Didn’t I bring some more home yesterday though?”

“No,” Equius said authoritatively.

“Wow, I don’t wanna get old like you if I’m gonna forget everything,” Eridan said through a mouthful of Lucky Charms.

“Shut up,” Karkat sneered. “All right, whatever. I’ll get more.” He grabbed a wet rag out of the sink and went back to the table to wipe up the spilt milk. His toast popped back up; Karkat went back to the counter to slather them in peanut butter and debated the value of saving one slice for lunch or just skipping lunch. He’d probably be stuck in the library anyway doing makeup detention for not having his homework done. Again.

Algebra was a stupid class anyway. When the hell was he going to need to graph a quadratic equation in real life? What did they think was going to happen? Some demon would spring out of the ground and snap, “Stop! I’ll damn your soul forever if you can’t graph a solution to 2x squared plus 5x minus 3 equals y!”? It was a waste of his time when he could spend it doing better things, like being on Pesterchum or playing Grand Theft Auto or cleaning the house before Dad came home and skinned him alive.

The house was getting to critical mass levels of dirty. Last night the only chores that got done were the dishes and taking out the trash, which was Equius’ job. The laundry was definitely an all-day-on-Saturday job by now; Karkat was going to lock Eridan in the upstairs bathroom until he finally did his one and only chore and cleaned the damn thing, and maybe he could get Equius to vacuum if he bribed him with something. At least Nepeta would enthusiastically help him with whatever and she liked folding clean laundry, especially when it was hot from the dryer and even in the summertime.

He shoved a piece of toast in his mouth, took Nepeta’s empty bowl and washed it out, then glanced at the microwave clock and realized that if he didn’t leave two minutes ago he was going to miss his bus. “Fuck!” He fumbled the toast when he bit it off accidentally and he swallowed hard before he choked. “Shit, okay, you guys all have lunches, right?”

“Nepeta just told you we made sandwiches while you lazed around in the shower,” Equius snorted.

Karkat ignored him, crossing the kitchen to grab Eridan’s scarf and hussled out of the kitchen, the second piece of toast forgotten. “My scarf’s in the closet. You’d better wear it, Eridan, or I’ll kick your ass--”

“--but it’s ugly--”

“If you don’t you’ll die a slow painful death of pneumonia so suck it up,” Karkat shouted back, shoving his feet into his boots. “Equius--”

“I’ll make sure he wears it,” Equius called.

“You can trade with me,” Nepeta was saying when Karkat wrapped himself in Eridan’s scarf, pulled on his mittens, and slung his backpack over his shoulder. “I’ll wear Karkitty’s scarf and you can wear mine!”

Nepeta was really clingy but at least she was easy to please.

Karkat slammed the door shut behind himself, locked it, and trooped through the three inches of fresh snow on the ground towards the bus stop. There were still kids lingering there, so at least he probably hadn’t missed the bus. If he had, he could probably bum a ride with the parent of some other hapless late-to-the-bus kid. Parents were kind of suckers that way.

\--

Karkat was right about makeup detention.

Mr. Grandhy had a white guy afro, he had so much hair; even when Karkat was standing in front of his desk and Mr. Grandhy was sitting, Karkat still felt like he was being looked down at, or as if he was on trial. He was kind of huge, like a linebacker who failed to get into the NFL and decided to torture middle schoolers instead. “Mr. Vantas,” Mr. Grandhy said, “What exactly is your problem with my assignments?”

Karkat shrugged.

“Are they too hard?”

“Uh,” Karkat started, but Mr. Grandhy spoke right over him.

“Do you need to drop back to the Math 8 class?”

The shameful truth was Karkat had really loved math until this year. Graphing made him crazy. He liked solving for x when there was only x: adding y to the equation was the part that sucked. The question put his back up; he already felt stupid, but Mr. Grandhy made him feel stupid-er.

“No,” Karkat said sullenly.

“Then this is the last time, I expect, I’ll have to talk to you about not doing your homework.”

“I guess.”

“You ‘guess’?”

“I’ll do the homework,” Karkat sighed.

“Good. Because tomorrow you’re getting your own special quiz. If you do well on it it will make up for all those missed homework grades. If you fail it, well.” Mr. Grandhy bent over his desk and scribbled on a familiar slip of paper. “Lunch detention, and the homework on my desk tomorrow.” He looked up, handing the paper to Karkat. “You can do well in this class. If you’re not going to try, there’s no point in being in it. Understood?”

“Yeah,” Karkat mumbled.

“Don’t be late to your next class.”

Karkat was late.

\--

Karkat had not eaten inside the cafeteria for six straight school days.

“Jutht take the after-thchool detention,” Sollux complained.

“Can’t,” Karkat groused, closing his locker.

“Dad’th out of town again?”

“Yep.”

“God. Why don’t you jutht do the homework? What are you doing, blogging all night about thome terrible romcom you watched on Lifetime?”

Karkat bristled and set a fast pace for the library. “I don’t get it done because one, Algebra is a complete waste of my time. Two - related to one - I’ve got a shitton more important stuff to do. Three--”

“You do not. You thpend half the night watching me write programth in Livethtream.” Sollux fell into step beside Karkat; he was a couple of inches taller, and he kept up with Karkat easily. “It’th not like you’re thtupid and don’t get it or thomething. Ith it?”

Karkat gave Sollux a withering glare. It was not very effective.

“Oh. Well, fuck, I can help you with it. Or do it mythelf, if you wanna pay, I gueth.” Sollux grinned.

Karkat used to make fun of Sollux for his lisp - still did, actually - but he had weird long canine teeth which he claimed caused his lisp to be incurable. He had an unfortunate bowl cut made vaguely less terrifying by the tendency of his hair to curl away from the back of his head. He could program absolutely everything known to mankind and as far as Karkat could tell, he was a certifiable genius. Naturally Karkat called him an idiot as often as possible, which Sollux either laughed at or cried about for the rest of the day. Today was a ‘he’d probably laugh at it’ day.

“It’s fine, I’ll figure it out.” Karkat hunched his shoulders. “Don’t you have better things to do than follow me around and make fun of me?”

“I’m not making fun of you. Thith ith making fun of you. Hey KK, where did you get that thweatthirt, the rumputh fruity athhole thtore?”

“Fuck you,” Karkat groaned. “Fuck you, and your dad, and your other dad, and all your ancestors for a thousand generations. Incidentally, that’s all the fucks I give about your opinion of my sweatshirt, so stuff it.”

“That’th a lot of fuckth.”

Karkat backed into the bar that opened the library door. “But now they’re all out, so maybe you should go take them and throw yourself off a cliff into a rocky shore where they’ll sink you!”

“Ehehehe. Lotht track of your metaphor?”

“Ugh, I hope you choke on the cafeteria’s shitty pizza.”

“Have fun in detention, KK.” Sollux grinned, waving as they parted ways.

Karkat threw the middle finger salute at Sollux’s retreating back and spun around to walk through the door, kicking it the rest of the way open with his foot.

Today it was just him and Miss Dolorosa, it looked like; the table where in-school detention was held sat disturbingly empty, Miss Dolorosa at its head with a coffee and a book. She smiled at Karkat as he approached. “Have a seat.”

Karkat slouched into the chair on the furthest end of the table and thudded his Algebra textbook on the table, grimly satisfied by the clapping noise it produced and the disapproving frown his teacher gave him.

He liked Miss Dolorosa, actually. She had a really interesting-sounding accent and wore a hijab. Karkat kind of wondered what her hair looked like. She reminded Karkat of Kanaya, even though Kanaya didn’t look anything like her; they were both super-calm in the same way. Maybe if she taught Algebra instead of Mr. Grandhy he would like it better.

“Detention slip?” She reminded him.

Karkat fished it out of his backpack and slid it across the table; it got about halfway before it caught the air and stopped. Karkat sighed, got back to his feet, and walked it over to his English teacher.

“Algebra again?” she asked, sighing and signing it before tucking it away in a manila folder on the table.

“Wow, what an astute observation. I would have never guessed that you could read,” Karkat groused, going back to his end of the table.

“Karkat,” Miss Dolorosa said in exactly the same exasperated tone that Kanaya used.

“Sorry.” Karkat slumped back into his seat and opened his algebra book to the page full of problems he was supposed to have solved for class.

“Where’s your lunch?”

“Forgot it.” Karkat thought longingly of the toast butt he’d left on the counter. He felt really dumb for forgetting about it now.

“You didn’t get lunch from the cafeteria?”

“Forgot money.”

“Mm.”

Karkat glanced up from his book to see Miss Dolorosa nodding in a concerned sort of way. Karkat scowled. “Look, it’s not a big deal. I’ll just eat a big dinner.”

“I just want you to be awake and alert for my class.” Miss Dolorosa smiled at him. “If you don’t eat healthy, you’ll be nodding away at the bell.”

“I think it’s just that Kafka guy. Who writes a story about a dude becoming a bug and it’s not even, like. Interesting. How is that possible?” Karkat planted his elbows at either end of his textbook and rested his cheeks against the heels of his hands. “A story about a guy becoming a bug should be awesome. If it was possible to suck the fun out of a story, Kafka could do it. I’ll bet he wrote books about rabid gorillas breaking out of the zoo and they went to go drink tea. Come on!”

Miss Dolorosa’s mouth twitched. “Do your homework, Karkat.”

“... Algebra is so boring, Kafka is more interesting,” Karkat grumbled, but he looked back down at his book and started to slog through it.

When lunch ended Karkat was about two-thirds of the way through, which meant he had to finish that and his regular homework and study for the stupid quiz thing that Mr. Grandhy was giving him. That was entirely too much algebra for one kid to handle. He was probably going to blow off tonight’s homework again.

“See you in seventh period,” Miss Dolorosa said. “And tomorrow, I hope I won’t see you any earlier.”

“I know I’m ugly and looking at my face makes you want to scream. You don’t have to rub it in.” Karkat shoved his spiral notebook into his Algebra book. “That was sarcasm, by the way. A joke.”

“Yes, I know,” Miss Dolorosa sighed.

“See you later.” Karkat barely stopped himself from saying ‘smell you later’ out of habit. He liked Miss Dolorosa but sometimes he felt like she was trying to be his mom, and he didn’t really want anyone to give it a third goddamn try.

\--

In science class, Jade was once again conspicuously absent, which left Karkat with the table and the density experiment to himself until Mr. Duoska told him to go sit with Rose and Kanaya. “Nobody should have to sit alone.” His mouth was stuck in a permanent sneer because of the scars on his face, which everyone got bored with making fun of by the end of the first week of classes. Mr. Duoska never reacted, just coolly sneered at the offender, until they were intimidated into shutting up.

“Uh, I don’t really care,” Karkat grumbled, but he wasn’t going to object to hanging out with Kanaya. He dragged his stool over to their table.

“Oh, my. I didn’t quite recognize you wearing those unusually bright colors,” Rose said, watching Karkat settle his book and notepad across the table. “At the risk of using a cliche, who are you and what have you done with my emotionally dismal classmate?”

“Oh, burn.” Karkat glared at her. “At the risk of using a cliche, that was so goddamn funny I forgot to laugh.” He looked at Kanaya, grasping the edges of the extremely oversized sweatshirt and pulling them so the material was flat, displaying the creepy angry-smile face. “Well? Unleash the Kracken.”

“I believe I already said all I wanted to say about your fashion choice,” Kanaya replied in her cool, collected voice.

“You didn’t say anything. You just raised your eyebrow at me when we passed in the halls.” Karkat paused. “Oh.”

“Yes.” Kanaya picked up a metal ball and dropped it in the little tank of water. “How much did it rise?”

“Beyond words. Impressive,” Rose said. “Three centimeters.”

“Wait, I didn’t get the water volume before you started.” Karkat hunched over his paper. “Hey, Rose. Where’s Harley now?”

“15 cubic centimeters. India, I think? She sent an email from there last night.”

“Nice. She could have told me,” Karkat groused.

“Yes, I’m always careful to inform my science class partner of my family trips. Which, granted, I have none, as my passive-aggressive battle for dominance with my mother might drain us both dry if we were forced to spend more than eight consecutive hours in one another’s direct proximity.”

“Rose, they are also friends.”

“What?” Karkat jerked his head up. “Woah, hey, we are ‘friends’ in the loosest sense of the word, and when I say ‘loosest’ I mean ‘best described as total enemies’. She makes me crazy. I make her crazy - right?” He snapped at Rose.

“I think she finds you amusing,” Rose remarked.

“See? For Harley, that’s crazy, because she’s already batshit nuts. I’m also the only person in the entire world she swears at.”

“You should not sound so proud of it.” Kanaya pinched her brows together as she solved for the density of the metal ball.

“Oh, no, Kanaya. That’s quite an accomplishment.”

Karkat rolled his eyes. “My point is, I’m just trying to find out so I know how much longer I have to sit with you two bozos for all the experiments. I’d say only one bozo, but Kanaya keeps making me wonder.”

Kanaya looked up at him through her lashes and returned her gaze to her paper. Karkat felt a twinge of guilt.

“Hm. I don’t suppose anyone knows.” Rose shrugged. “Least of all Jade herself.”

\--

Karkat was a little ashamed that in English, he kept closing his eyes. Kafka was boring, sure, but he wished he’d eaten lunch more than ever. His stomach hurt from not eating.

He resolved to walk straight to the CVS after school and pick up more bread. He’d pick missing breakfast over missing lunch.

Miss Dolorosa gave him the raised eyebrow while he was gathering his books after class and Karkat slinked past her without a word. He hated the ‘I told you so’ look.

\--

Karkat left for school an hour before his siblings did, but Karkat also got home an hour before them. That was just enough time to get down to CVS, buy groceries, and get home. There was a grocery store even further down the street but Karkat had to cross a highway exit ramp to get to it and even he wasn’t that suicidally stupid. It cost a little more but Dad just got Karkat gift cards to the CVS instead, since it was actually within walking distance. Karkat had just under fifty cents on last week’s card after using it up yesterday, but he had a fresh one from this past Saturday saved up. He was pretty proud of himself for making the cards last longer than Dad even expected.

He got off at his bus stop, dropped off his backpack at home, and started for the convenience store.

The snow had turned to slush along the roads; pieces of evergreen littered the sidewalk, blown off trees strapped to car hoods. Karkat splashed through the puddles, hunching his shoulders against the cutting winter wind. His back was still sweaty from his backpack. By the time he got there his ears were bright red and numb from the cold and Karkat stood in the rush of warm air from the blowers just inside CVS’ doors and rubbed them with his mittened hands for a minute.

About half the employees in the store knew him on sight now. Jane was one of them; when she pushed a cart of poinsettias around the corner, she waved. “Hullo, Karkat!” she said. She said his name weirdly with her Canadian accent.

Karkat kept massaging his ears, stepping a little further into the store. “Hey.”

“I wasn’t expecting you back until next week! Didn’t you already get some groceries?” Jane smiled, showing off her buck teeth that reminded him of Jade. She kept her hair cropped short and had three piercings in each ear. Karkat admired her balls for getting them done.

“Yeah yeah. I forgot to buy bread.”

“Uh oh.” Jane leaned on her grocery cart full of flowers. “But you know where it is, right?”

Karkat’s ears were just starting to hurt, throbbing and giving him a headache. He nodded; clutching his ears, trying to wish feeling back into them, he headed for aisle eight.

The first time Karkat had made the walk to CVS all by himself, he’d been so proud of himself - it had also been awesome weather and he was ten years old. It just went to show how stupid past Karkat was. Now it was a shitty chore. Karkat’s narrow little wallet had four used-up CVS cards and his brand-new one that Dad had given him on Saturday, his school ID, and that was pretty much it.

There weren’t very many customers in the store at this hour; one guy in an overcoat and a fedora, tugging a bawling kid behind him, gave Karkat a curious look. Karkat ignored him with long practice, even though he wanted to stare back (was that a scar over his eye?) So Karkat was shopping - big deal. He was old enough to run errands on his own. Maybe it was weird when he was ten but he was thirteen and a half now. If anyone asked him he just said his dad was outside in the car so they stopped staring at him as if he was a two-headed monster from Mars.

He decided to get two loaves of wheat bread. Eridan had refused to eat wheat bread at first because he liked white bread, which was cheaper, but Karkat liked wheat bread and Eridan was just going to have to suck it up. He held out for two days. Then he discovered that he liked wheat bread the best-est. He’d been five.

Karkat turned to go to the cashier and ended up walking past the winter hats; he grabbed the first one he saw, black and red, because fuck having his ears freeze off again. His old hat had gone to Equius last week when Equius managed to lose his during recess or something - Karkat hadn’t been paying that much attention. Equius was always breaking stuff and losing stuff.

Jane was already waiting behind the cash register. “I was wondering why you weren’t wearing a hat,” she said, making friendly conversation like always as she rang up his purchases. “Did you lose your old one?”

“Yeah,” Karkat said because it was easier than explaining Equius. He handed Jane his keyring so she could scan his membership card, but nothing was on sale. Karkat fished the new card out of his wallet and swiped it.

Nothing happened. Karkat swiped it again; nothing happened again. “What the fuck?”

“Oh no! Did the magnetic strip die? Here, let me type it in.” Jane held out her hand and Karkat handed her the card; she hummed as she typed on her touchscreen. “Karkat, this card doesn’t have any value on it.”

“That’s impossible.” Karkat dug into his back pocket and opened his wallet. “That’s the new card.”

“It says zero balance.” Jane held out the card for Karkat to take. “Are you sure you didn’t give me an old one?”

Karkat snatched the card from her fingers and glared at the back of it. Maybe he was mixing them up. He slapped the card down on the table and pulled out the four old ones in his wallet. He lined them up on the counter and swiped them, one by one.

Zero balance. Zero balance. Thirty-nine cents. Zero--

“Shit. Shit!” Karkat could feel his cheeks going red with embarrassment and frustration.

“Shh, it’s okay,” Jane said hastily. “Do you have any cash?”

“Maybe,” Karkat said through his teeth, digging through his pockets. After checking all his pockets and the depths of his pathetically tired wallet he dug up ninety-five cents and some lint, which sat forlornly on the counter between himself and Jane while they stared at it.

“... Looks like Dad fucked up,” Karkat said after an awkward, solemn silence.

“You shouldn’t say bad words like that.”

“What. The fuck. Ever.” Karkat snarled through his teeth.

So Dad had given him a dud card. This was bound to happen sooner or later, Karkat thought. Dad would be home on Saturday, so no big deal - he could just buy bread and a hat and then give Karkat a working card and everything would be fine. They’d live two days without bread. Or Karkat could dip into the twenty dollars of emergency money Dad kept in a jar in his room.

Karkat’s world had narrowed down to his thoughts and the pathetic ninety-five cents on the counter, so when he heard the guy that had looked at him funny say ‘hey, kid,’ he jumped and whirled.

The guy’s kid was asleep on his shoulder now, her face blotchy from screaming. Jane’s face had gone red. “Sorry, Karkat, one second. I can ring you up here, mister!” She smiled and moved over one register.

Without another word, the guy swiped a card at Karkat’s register.

Karkat felt his face heat up; he drew up his shoulders, eyes wide. “Hey, I didn’t--”

“Where’s your parents, kid?” the guy asked in a rough voice.

Karkat thinned his lips, scowling to hide how nervous he was. “Dad’s out in the c--”

“Then go get him, and he can pay me back.” The guy stared at him, hoisting the kid on his shoulder a little higher. He did have a scar over his eye. Karkat felt like he was being stared down by a mafia king. He was rooted to the spot, caught out.

“Uh, sir …” Jane said.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.” The guy turned on Jane and Karkat relaxed minutely. “I’m paying for this kid’s stuff. Where’s the black licorice Scottie dog thingies?”

“Aisle six,” Jane said, flashing a smile at him and then at Karkat as if everything was okay. “Right down the middle.”

The guy glanced back. “Shit, staring me right in the face.” He turned sharply and jabbed a finger at Karkat’s face. “Tell your dad or whatever to get his shit together. I catch you in this place alone again and I’m calling the police.”

Karkat bristled. “What? What for - for shopping!? That’s a federal offense, shopping under the age of whatever-the-fuck you think is okay? You can’t--”

“No. For neglect.” The man watched as Karkat’s face drained of color. “Take your bread and get out.” He jerked a thumb at the door.

Karkat’s heart was trying to escape through his ribcage it was pounding so hard and fast; the guy just kept staring at him, and Karkat looked up at Jane. She shrugged uncertainly.

Karkat hunched his shoulders so far up they were almost touching his ears. He shoved his new hat on his head without taking off the tags, swiped his change into his hand, and stuffed his dead cards back into his wallet. His hands were shaking.

“That’s very nice of him,” Jane said softly.

Karkat’s eyes felt hot. He viciously stuffed his wallet into his hoodie and turned to his benefactor. “You don’t know jack shit about my dad,” he said tightly.

“I know enough. Scraping together change for some goddamned bread and a shit hat. Get home before it gets dark, kid.”

“Thanks for nothing,” Karkat spat. He grabbed his bag of bread and marched to the door with a stiff gait.

The sharp wind on his face made his eyes water. Karkat swiped at them angrily and stomped home, feet splashing in the puddles until the water splashed to his butt.

He should have left the bread on principle, but he couldn’t make himself regret taking the hat.


	2. on the first day of christmas i managed to not punch sollux in the face

By the time he got home Karkat was tired.  He was still angry but he was too tired to even want to yell at anyone.  He toed off his soaked boots, shoved his ill-begotten bread in the fridge, and flopped on the couch, closing his eyes.  
  
He woke up to Nepeta poking him in the ribs.  “Ow, ow, what?”  
  
“Oh, good, you were taking a nap,” Nepeta said, grinning from ear to ear.  “I thought maybe you were dead!”  
  
“Holy shit, Nepeta.  Why the hell are you so morbid?”  Karkat stretched, rubbing his cheek from where it was mashed into the couch arm.  
  
Nepeta shrugged.  “You’re not a kid anymore, silly.  Only babies take naps.  Are you sick?”  She pushed Karkat’s hair off his forehead with her palm.  “You’re hot!”  
  
“I am not.”  Karkat pushed Nepeta’s hand off his forehead.  She just wanted to pretend to be a doctor again.  “What time is it?”  
  
“Mmm …” Nepeta studied the big plastic watch on her wrist, her birthday present; Eridan had gotten an identical one, but where Nepeta’s was camouflage black and green, Eridan’s was a dark purple.  “Five-fifteen!  Sixteen!  Seventeen!”  
  
“That’s the second hand, dummy.”  Karkat dragged himself halfway over the arm of the couch to peer myopically at the display on the DVD player.  Five oh four: he had napped for an hour and a half.  
  
Nepeta bit her lip. “Oh, yeah.  Karkat, why do they call the second hand a second hand and the minute hand the second hand, too?  That’s awfully confusing.”  
  
“Because the people who write textbooks that teach you how to tell time are sadistic bastards.  They just sit around in their executive suite, laughing at second graders.  ‘Mwahaha, they’ll never tell them apart!’  Jerks.”  Karkat got to his feet and stretched again, arching his back and rising onto his toes. “I’m gonna make dinner.”  
  
“Spaghettios with meatballs?”  Nepeta asked hopefully.  
  
“Yeah, sure.”  Karkat had bought six cans yesterday.  
  
“I’ll help!”  
  
“Sure, whatever.”  
  
Equius was already sitting at the kitchen table, doing his homework.  “Where’s Eridan?”  
  
“In the bathroom,” Equius said without looking up.  
  
Karkat remembered his vow to lock Eridan in the bathroom until he cleaned it and sighed.  “Nepeta wants Spaghettios for dinner.”  
  
“Excellent.”  Equius smiled at Nepeta, who winked back.  Karkat snorted at them and grabbed three cans of pre-made spaghetti out of the pantry.  
  
“I can turn the can opener,” Nepeta announced, pushing her stepstool across the floor towards Karkat.  
  
‘Making’ dinner - which really consisted of dumping three cans of Spaghettios into a bowl and sticking it in the microwave - would have gone a lot faster without Nepeta’s ‘help’, but Karkat couldn’t bring himself to care.  Eridan bounded into the kitchen while Nepeta was studiously punching in the numbers on the microwave.  “Look what I made at school today!”  
  
Karkat guessed it was art.  It was two studiously drawn angels with laser beam eyes shooting at what might have been a UFO, with a Christmas tree in the middle.  “Eridan, what the hell?  What was your assignment?  Draw the weirdest Christmas you can come up with?”  
  
Eridan’s chin wobbled.  “I thought it was cool.”  
  
“I think it’s awesome!”  Nepeta jumped off her stepstool.  “The angels are saving Christmas from the aliens like in Independence Day!  I drew something too, I wanna show you!”  Nepeta ran out of the kitchen.  
  
Karkat looked at Eridan looking like he was about to burst into tears and he just couldn’t take Eridan bawling today.  “Don’t you dare cry.  I will kick your ass if you cry.”  
  
Eridan sniffled.  “You’re mean. You don’t like me.”  
  
“Ugh, stop being retarded!  Here, we’ll put it up on the fridge so Dad can see it.”  Karkat pulled a couple of magnets off the top of the fridge so that Eridan could hang it up.  “I guess it’s cool,” Karkat said begrudgingly.  “Why angels with laser beams, though?  Why not Will Smith?  Will Smith is cooler.”  
  
“Angels are badass monsters of death,” Eridan announced.  He hung up his artwork perfectly straight on the fridge with two magnets and wiped his eyes.  
  
Karkat opened his mouth to answer when Nepeta came pounding back into the kitchen. “See?  I drew us as cats!”  She held up her picture with one hand and pointed as the paper flopped forward, preventing Karkat from really seeing what she was showing him.  “That’s you, you’re the big kitty, and I’m sleeping next to you, and Equius is the big gray one, and Eridan is purple because it’s his favorite color even though cats can’t really be purple.”  
  
“Let me see,” Eridan said, pulling the picture straight.  Karkat discovered he was drawn as very fat roly-poly tiger cat who took up two-thirds of the paper and was scowling with his eyes closed. Equius cat had arm muscles.  Eridan’s purple fur stuck up in all directions.  Nepeta was a tiny little cat under Karkat’s chin.  There were square-ish blobs in the background with green bows on them, which Karkat guessed were Christmas presents.  
  
“Where’s Dad?” Karkat asked.  
  
“He’s catching fish for our big Christmas dinner!” Nepeta shouted.  
  
Karkat felt like he’d been punched in the stomach; he thought of the scarred stranger in the store and the dud CVS card and choked a little.  But the microwave beeped that the Spaghettios were done, saving him.  “Put it up on the fridge too.”  
  
“Yay!”  
  
Karkat doled out dinner; he wasn’t going to eat until he licked a finger clean from checking that the Spaghettios were hot all the way through, and suddenly realized he was still really really hungry.  He poured out the remainder into his own bowl and wolfed it down; when Eridan was done picking at his food, Karkat ate the rest of that, too. His stomach hurt from eating too fast afterwards.  “You got homework?” Karkat asked Eridan and Nepeta: Eridan shook his head, but Nepeta nodded. “Hey, buttface.  You’re in the same class as Nepeta. You wanna revise your answer?”  
  
“Yeah,” Eridan sighed, glaring at Nepeta.  
  
“Go do it.”  Karkat picked up their bowls and went to the sink to clean up while the twins ran up the stairs to their room, but before he got there the phone rang.  Karkat peered at the caller ID:  0001234567.  
  
It was Dad!  He was calling from the satellite phone on the boat.  Karkat snatched up the phone.  “Dad!”  
  
Static greeted him; this was pretty normal when Dad called from sea, but it was worse than usual.  Karkat held the phone away from his ear.  “I can’t hear you,” he half-shouted at the mouthpiece.  
  
“--’s rough sea--perfect for-- ksssssht--”  
  
“That’s great, Dad.” Karkat rolled his eyes.  He didn’t really care about how well the fishing was going. “You’re coming home on Saturday, right?  Because the card you got me--”  
  
“What, Kark-- k-k-k-sht  out for another week.  Too rough to come in and th-- zzztsht -tacular!”  
  
Karkat’s stomach, already aching, tried to drop through his toes.  “No, you have to come back!  The card you gave me doesn’t work!  We’re gonna run out of groceries!  And toilet paper.  That’s gross, we can’t run out of toilet paper.”  
  
“What?”  Dad sounded like he was shouting.  
  
“I said I need you to come back so we don’t starve to death!”  Karkat just barely remembered to lower his voice before Nepeta heard him.  “The card.  The CVS card.  It doesn’t work.  It’s a dud.”  
  
“I’m sorry,  ssssssshht \--round this boat and come b--” there was a series of clicks. “--all Gamzee?”  
  
“He’s in Texas or something, smoking pot and singing kumbaya,” Karkat snarled.  “He’s broke and high.  Don’t you have, like, an emergency credit card or something?”  
  
But there was no answer except static.  Karkat stared at the wall, horrified.  “Dad.  Dad?”  
  
“--soon as I can,” Karkat heard finally, faint and tinny.  “--losing the signal.  Watch the kids!  I’ll be back before Christmas - just try to make it str-- ssshhhhhtt--”   
  
The phone clicked and Karkat was listening to dead air.  
  
“Holy shit,” Karkat mumbled.  “I’m gonna kill Dad.”  
  
“He’s not my dad,” Equius said, but he was watching Karkat with wide eyes.  “I don’t care.”  
  
\--  
  
The floating, horrified feeling lasted for about thirty seconds, just long enough for Karkat to cradle the phone, stick the dirty dishes in the sink, and walk out to the living room.  Then he grabbed his mittens, his hat - he viciously ripped off the tags - and his boots, and stormed outside, slamming the door as hard as he could behind him.  The townhouse’s doorframe shook with the force of it.  
  
“What the FUCK!?” Karkat screamed at the sky.  
  
The shout echoed; Karkat’s breath chugged out of his mouth in thick puffs of steam.  “Hey!  Whatever fuckass is up there!  I’m talking to you!”  
  
There was no answer, of course.  Karkat panted for breath.  
  
This was stupid.  He turned around, went back inside, and slammed the door shut again.  Nepeta and Eridan were at the top of the stairs, silent and staring; Equius was in the kitchen door.  “... Dad’s coming home next week, not Saturday,” Karkat said tightly.  
  
“Oh.” Nepeta said in the silence.  She smiled.  “But it’s okay!  You’re here!”  
  
Karkat glared at her.  “Go do your homework.”  When Nepeta and Eridan hesitated, Karkat snapped, “Did I fucking stutter?  Is staring at my face getting your homework done?  Go do your goddamn homework!”  
  
Nepeta’s chin wobbled and Eridan shouted, “You suck!”  
  
“Yeah, yeah, since when was that news?  You’ve got five seconds.  One.  Two.”  
  
They both scrambled for their room.  Karkat rounded on Equius.  “You breathe a word of what you heard on the phone and I’ll string you up by your guts from the school flagpole.”  
  
“You made Nepeta cry,” Equius said.  He was sweating - he was always sweating.  He alone was why the laundry had to be done so stupidly often.  
  
Karkat breathed in through his nose and breathed out and suddenly he was just tired again.  “Fuck.  I’ll make it up to her or something.”  
  
“Are we really going to starve to death?” Equius didn’t twitch, staring at Karkat.  
  
“No, we’re not going to starve to death.  That was past me using hyperbole because he’s an asshole.  We’re fine.  Just go get your dumb homework done.”  
  
“Will we run out of toilet paper, then?”  Equius looked particularly horrified by this idea.  
  
“If we do I’ll steal napkins from McDonald’s.  Look, don’t worry about it.”  
  
“Of course I’m worried,” Equius said, scowling.  “Stealing from McDonald’s?”  
  
“Drop it,” Karkat hissed.  Equius shut his mouth with a click of teeth, but he didn’t move.  Karkat sighed through his nose.  “What?”  
  
“I’m done with my homework,” Equius said quietly.  
  
“Then go be awkward someplace else, like the shower.”  Karkat walked around him and back to the kitchen to do the dishes.  
  
\--  
  
“Now here’s some fucking relevant math,” Karkat muttered to himself as he pulled the twenty-dollar emergency bill out of the jar in his Dad’s room.  “Twenty dollars and ninety-five cents divided by four people for eight days equals I’m screwed.”  
  
Maybe Karkat could make it stretch.  If he just bought the barest essentials, and didn’t eat lunch himself this week, and was a total fucking Grinch, maybe he could make it last.  
  
Yeah, no, he wasn’t starving three elementary school kids, even if one of them was an annoying prick and the other two were just annoying.  
  
Karkat snapped the bill in his fingers.  He’d heard that if a bill was cut in half that as long as it was just a little more than 50%, he could exchange it at a bank for a new one.  What if he cut it right down the middle and just lied and got two twenty dollar bills?  Nobody could eyeball that it wasn’t just barely over half, right?  But if he was wrong he’d be completely screwed over, so that was dumb.  
  
Maybe Karkat could shovel driveways or rake leaves or something.  People would pay him to do that, right?  They were supposed to get more snow tomorrow or Saturday.  What if he offered to do his friends’ chores for them for their allowance?  Karkat suddenly wished he was smart and could offer to do homework for cash.  
  
Karkat flopped back on his Dad’s bed.  Dad probably had money.  Karkat just couldn’t get to the money.  This was the stupidest problem ever.  
  
The door to Dad’s room creaked open.  Karkat sat up on his elbows; Nepeta met his eyes, and jerked up from her crouched position against the door and snapped a finger.  “Darn!  Dad’s door is too creaky for sneak pounce attacks!”  
  
Karkat rolled onto his side, stuffing the twenty into his back pocket.  Nepeta fiddled with her sleeves, shifting her weight, and Karkat took pity, especially considering he was the ass that had made her nervous in the first place.  “I’m not mad anymore.”  
  
“Oh!  That’s good,” Nepeta said, immediately brightening.  She ran at the bed and threw herself on top of it, and half on top of Karkat, who rolled onto his back again and grunted.  “I’m sorry if I made you mad!  Equius said you were just stressed out and you weren’t mad at me or Eridan at all, but I want to say I’m sorry anyway, just in case.”  She rested her cheek on Karkat’s chest.  
  
Karkat stared at the ceiling.  “Equius is pretty smart for a jerkoff.”  
  
“Karkitty, you’re mean,” Nepeta pouted.  
  
“No shit.”  Karkat propped his head up and looked down at Nepeta.  “What’s the deal with Karkitty?  Can’t I be KarThundera or KarLeo or something that’s not fluffy and adorable and everything I’m not?”  
  
“Hmmm …” Nepeta frowned.  “What about Katkat?”  
  
“Oh my god.  No.”  
  
“Katkat!  But it’s fun to say!  And then you’re a grown-up cat instead of a kitty.”  
  
“Please no,” Karkat let his head bounce of the mattress as he did a double facepalm combo.  
  
“Too late!”  Nepeta laughed.  “Katkat!  Katkat!”  she curled up giggling and Karkat shoved her off his stomach.  Wow, second grade humor was dumb.  
  
“I’m gonna do my homework.  You done with yours?”  Nepeta was still giggling too hard to answer, but she nodded.  “You can watch a movie before you go to bed, I guess.”  
  
“Lion King!” Nepeta announced without hesitation.  
  
Ten minutes later Nepeta was set up with a blanket, a juice box, and her favorite movie in the family room; Equius sat close to her, his hands on his knees, raptly attentive to the movie himself.  Eridan appeared not too long afterwards and sprawled all over the rest of the couch.  Younger siblings so occupied, Karkat went back upstairs and turned on the family computer in Dad’s room.  
  
carcinoGeneticist[CG] began pestering  twinArmageddons[TA]  at 6:48PM  
  
CG: HEY ASSHOLE  
TA: 2up diip2hiit  
CG: I AM ABOUT TO DO SOMETHING THAT PAINS MY VERY SOUL.  
CG: DEEP DOWN INSIDE, I AM WEEPING TEARS OF BLOOD.  I AM TOO MANLY TO SHOW MY PAIN BUT I’M TELLING YOU HOW I FEEL SO YOU CAN UNDERSTAND HOW IMPORTANT WHAT I’M ABOUT TO SAY IS.  
CG: I  
CG: NEED YOUR HELP.  
TA: oh wow   
TA: let me gue22  
TA: you want me two do your algebra homework for you  
CG: WHAT? NO  
TA: no problem but iit2 gonna co2t you  
CG: HELL NO  
CG: WHAT KIND OF FRIEND CHARGES THEIR FRIENDS DO TO THEIR HOMEWORK FOR THEM  
TA: then what ii2 iit?  
CG: YOU SHOULD DO MY ALGEBRA HOMEWORK FOR FREE.  ANYWAY IT DOESN’T MATTER BECAUSE GRANDHY IS OUT FOR MY BLOOD.  HE’S GIVING ME A QUIZ TOMORROW AND IF I FLUNK IT I THINK HE’S GOING TO MAKE ME TAKE MATH 8 INSTEAD.  
CG: NOT THAT I GIVE A SHIT  
CG: I’VE GOT BIGGER PROBLEMS.  
TA: liike what  
TA: 2piit iit out god  
TA: nobody can talk around the poiint liike you and that2 not a compliiment  
CG: DO YOU THINK YOU CAN BREAK INTO MY DAD’S BANK ACCOUNT?  
TA: holy 2hiit kk  
TA: are you 2eriiou2?  
CG: I AM DEAD FUCKING SERIOUS.  
CG: REMEMBER THE TEARS OF BLOOD?  STILL WEEPING THEM.  CAN YOU DO IT?  
TA: ii probably could but ii wouldn’t do iit for a miilliion dollar2  
TA: that2 a federal offen2e jerkwad  
TA: what do you want two 2teal money from your dad for?  
CG: IT’S NOT STEALING!  
TA: do you need money for chrii2tma2 pre2ent2 or 2omethiing  
TA: ye2 iit ii2  
CG: NO IT’S NOT  
CG: NO I DON’T NEED THE MONEY FOR PRESENTS  
TA: ye2 iit ii2!  
CG: IT’S NOT STEALING  
TA: iit2 totally 2tealiing  
TA: oh my god you are the biigge2t a22hole ii know but thii2 ii2 pretty low even for you  
CG: SHUT UP  
CG: OH MY GOD WHY DO I PUT UP WITH YOUR SHIT?  WHY DO I LET MYSELF GET BURIED BY MOUNTAINS AND MOUNTAINS OF LITHPY THUPID THAT COMES OUT OF YOUR MOUTH  
CG: OR FINGERS  
CG: WHATEVER  
CG: IT’S NOT FUCKING STEALING  
TA: iit2  
TA: thii2 ii2 2tupiid  
TA: be2iides iif anyone ii2 gettiing buriied iin riiver2 of 2hiit iit2 me  
CG: HOW DO YOU AVOID GOING CRAZY TYPING LIKE THAT?  WAIT YOU ARE CRAZY.  OH SHIT SUNGLASSES DOT JPEG!  
CG: I CAN’T EVEN READ THAT SENTENCE  
CG: IT’S NOT STEALING I NEED THAT MONEY.  
TA: oh 2nap  
TA: nope iit2 totally not 2tealiing iif you need iit  
TA: do you actually read what you type? iim ju2t curiiou2 iif you know how iidiiotiic that 2ound2  
CG: YEAH OKAY, THAT DOES SOUND PRETTY STUPID.  
CG: BUT IT DOESN’T CHANGE THE FACT I NEED SOME CASH PRONTO.  
TA: what do you need iit for?  
CG: NONE OF YOUR BEESWAX  
CG: DO YOU THINK YOUR DADS WOULD PAY ME TO SHOVEL THEIR DRIVEWAY?  IF IT SNOWS LIKE IT’S SUPPOSED TO, ANYWAY.  
CG: OR CAN I BORROW LIKE TEN BUCKS AND BUY YOU LUNCH FOR A WEEK  
CG: STARTING THE WEEK AFTER NEXT WEEK  
CG: BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY IF I PAID YOU BACK RIGHT NOW IT WOULD DEFEAT THE POINT OF BORROWING MONEY AT ALL.  
TA: iim not lendiing you money unle22 you tell me why you need iit 2o bad  
CG: STOP BEING A DOUCHEBAG  
CG: THIS IS TOTALLY NOT YOUR BUSINESS.  
TA: iif you borrow my money and buy pot iit2 my bu2iine22  
CG: UGH  
CG: I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’D THINK I WAS GOING TO BUY POT.  YOU KNOW I HATE THAT SHIT.  
CG: I AM DEEPLY OFFENDED  
CG: ALSO, FUCK YOU!  
TA: ehehe iit wa2 ju2t an example  
TA: but 2eriiou2ly what do you need iit for  
CG: YOU ARE SUCH A PAIN IN MY ASS.  
CG: FINE I’LL TELL YOU  
CG: BUT IF YOU SO MUCH AS WHISPER IT TO YOURSELF IN AN ALLEY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT I WILL KNOW.  I WILL BE THE DARK FUCKING KNIGHT AND THEY WILL FIND YOU SQUEEZED INTO THE SMALLEST SPACE YOU CAN FIND, BITING YOUR FINGERNAILS AND GIBBERING WITH PISS-SOAKED UNDERWEAR  
CG: THAT IS WHAT I WILL DO TO YOU IF YOU EVER EVER EVER MENTION THIS TO ANYONE.  
TA: 2ure kk iim 2worn two 2ecrecy  
CG: OKAY.  
CG: I NEED TOILET PAPER.  
CG: AND GROCERIES  
TA: what  
CG: HAH HAH HAH, LAUGH IT UP.  BEFORE YOU ASK, YES I’M SERIOUS.  TOILET PAPER IS A BIG FUCKING DEAL.  
TA: what do you need toiilet paper money for  
TA: diid your dad take away your toiilet paper priiviilege2?  
CG: YES.  THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED.  
CG: NO, ASSHOLE, DAD FUCKED UP AND THE CARD HE GAVE ME FOR GROCERIES AND SHIT IS A DUD  
CG: AND NOW I’VE GOT THREE WHINY KIDS AND TWENTY BUCKS FOR EIGHT DAYS AND I AM A GODDAMN MONEY GENIUS BUT EVEN I’M NOT THAT GOOD.  
CG: SO LET ME BORROW SOME CASH ALREADY.  
TA: …  
TA: kk  
TA: that ii2 really fucked up  
CG: I KNOW, DAD IS DUMB AS BRICKS.  
TA: no ii mean  
TA: eh never miind  
TA: 2ure iill even a2k my dad2  
CG: DON’T YOU DARE  
CG: I AM SO SERIOUS ABOUT THIS BEING A SECRET.  YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW SERIOUS I AM.  SOME CREEPY SCARFACE DUDE AT CVS - NOT DUOSKA - TRIED TO TELL ME HE WAS GOING TO CALL THE POLICE ON MY DAD FOR NEGLECT.  WHAT A BITCH  
CG: I GUESS THIS LOOKS REALLY BAD  
CG: BUT IT’S JUST A DUMB MISTAKE.  ADULTS DON’T GET THAT, THOUGH, THEY THINK IT’S SOME HUGE FEDERAL ISSUE OH MY GOD, THAT KID IS OBVIOUSLY UNLOVED AND MISERABLE!  
CG: YEAH I’M MISERABLE  
CG: BUT IT’S COMPLETELY UNRELATED TO THIS.  I AM SUFFERING ONLY FROM NORMAL TEENAGE ANGST  
TA: woah kk ii diidnt a2k for your liife 2tory  
TA: iif you want two be a 2ecret ii dont care  
TA: iill tell my dad2 that ii need iit for a computer game or 2omethiing  
CG: EYS  
CG: *YES  
CG: GOOD.  
TA: brb  
  
Karkat pushed away from the computer and slapped his hand across his eyes.  “That wasn’t weirdly specific denial at all.  I am a dumbfuck,” he muttered.  
  
Figuring he should probably at least try to finish some of his homework, Karkat went downstairs to collect his backpack just in time to watch Mufasa getting thrown into the wildebeest stampede.  “Nooo,” Nepeta whispered, and took a sip of her juice box.  
  
“Scar is so awesome,” Eridan said.  
  
“You aren’t creepy at all,” Karkat told him.  
  
Eridan pouted.  
  
“Shhh,” Equius said and scooted closer to Nepeta.  
  
Karkat went back upstairs and hauled out his Algebra textbook, glaring at it.  The textbook had no reaction, and Karkat put it aside to do his science homework instead.  He solved for the density of one object before he saw the pesterchum window flashing at him.  
  
TA: ii a2ked my dad2  
CG: AND?  DON’T KEEP ME IN SUSPENSE HERE  
TA: no luck  
TA: they a2ked me what game ii wanted and 2aiid ii 2hould waiit untiil after chrii2tma2  
CG: FUCK.  
TA: iif ii told them why ii needed iit theyd probably let me giive you 2ome money  
TA: no 2triing2 attached  
TA: diid you thiink of that?  
CG: HANG ON  
CG: DIDN’T I JUST HAVE THIS CONVERSATION WITH YOU? DIDN’T I JUST SAY THAT ADULTS DO NOT FUCKING GET IT?  
CG: SURE THEY’LL GIVE ME MONEY, AND THEN THEY’LL CALL CPS OR SOMETHING.  
CG: BECAUSE PEOPLE LIKE TO POLISH THEIR MANHOOD TO THE TUNE OF WHAT AWESOME GOOD SAMARITANS THEY ARE.  
CG: OH LOOK AT ME I SAVED THOSE KIDS FROM A HORRIBLE SITUATION THAT DOESN’T EVEN ACTUALLY EXIST!  I AM ONE STEP CLOSER TO THE GATES OF HEAVEN.  I DIDN’T DESTROY A FAMILY AT ALL  
TA: kk you dont have money for toiilet paper  
TA: that2 a pretty 2hiit 2iituatiion  
CG: THIS IS WHY I DIDN’T WANT TO TELL YOU WHAT I NEEDED THE MONEY FOR  
CG: YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO SHUT UP ABOUT THIS AGAIN, ARE YOU?  
CG: LET ME JUST CLEAR SOMETHING UP RIGHT NOW: WE ARE NOT BROKE.  I AM TALKING TO YOU ON CABLE INTERNET RIGHT NOW, THE LIGHTS ARE STILL ON, WE HAVE HOT WATER.  
CG: THIS IS JUST A CASHFLOW SNAFU  
TA: diid ii 2ay anythiing about that  
CG: NO, BUT YOU WERE GOING TO.  
TA: whatever  
TA: iif you thiink everythiing ii2 fiine then fiine  
CG: FINE.  
  
Karkat sat back from the screen, realizing abruptly that his face was barely six inches away from it.  He scrolled up the log: it was incredibly, deeply embarrassing.  Could he possibly be more obvious with how worried he was?  Karkat had to derail the conversation immediately.  
  
CG: AND THEN SUDDENLY  
CG: A WILD SUBJECT CHANGE APPEARED!  
CG: ARE YOU INVITING ARADIA TO THE CHRISTMAS DANCE OR NOT?  
TA: fuck you kk  
TA: ju2t fuck you  
CG: THIS IS GETTING SAD.  IT MAKES ME DEPRESSED JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU FLIP FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH LIKE A BIPOLAR NUTCASE.  
TA: ehehehe whoop2 look2 liike my hand i2 2liippiing on the block button  
TA: goodniight a22hole  
  
twinArmageddons[TA]  has blocked  carcinoGeneticist[CG]  
  
Karkat snorted and closed the window.


End file.
